Couples therapy can be a powerful tool to help partners improve their relationship. However, it’s important to approach therapy with the right mindset to avoid common mistakes that can slow or completely prevent progress. In this blog, I will explore three common mistakes when starting couples therapy. By avoiding these pitfalls, couples can maximize the benefits of therapy and create lasting change in their relationship.

1. Waiting until it’s too late

The most common mistake I see when a new couple comes in is that they have waited too long before deciding to seek therapy. In other words, one or both people in the relationship are mentally checked out, with one foot already out the door. The way this often plays out as follows: The woman suggests going to couples therapy. The man refuses, saying it isn’t needed. The relationship struggles for numerous months or even years. Then, the man finally agrees to attend therapy. Now that they are in therapy, the woman feels resentment that it took so long to even start. This isn’t an unrecoverable situation, but it definitely sets things off on the wrong foot. To avoid this problem, take your partner seriously if they suggest going to couples therapy.

2. Assuming that we are there to “work on the other person”

The therapist’s job is to be as objective as possible when looking at the relationship. If you are counting on the therapist to fix your partner, you will be disappointed. In almost ALL situations, there will be improvements to be made by everyone involved. Don’t go into therapy and be surprised when the attention gets turned onto what you can improve as well. For best results, both partners should come in prepared to work on themselves and the relationship as equals.

3. Putting your best foot forward

This may seem like an odd thing to bring up in a list about mistakes, but therapy is a place to be your authentic self, not manage your outward appearance. If you constantly argue and fight at home, but in therapy you are on your best behavior, then you will not be able to improve on what happens at home. My rule of thumb is I try to work on what I can see in front of me, and everything else is hearsay. One partner will often tell me that the other partner is so different at home, and they wish we could work on those behaviors, but I have to tell them that I can’t address a specific behavior unless I see it happen. Until then, I can only give general information on what to typically do in that situation.

Couples therapy is not an easy thing to do, but by avoiding these pitfalls, you can maximize your chances of success. If considering therapy, make sure you go before it’s too late, go in with an open mind to work on the relationship as equals, and present your authentic self for best results. For more information on marriage and relationships, check out this book by Dr John Gottman, one of the country’s leading marriage experts. Now go out there and have great sessions!