Couples Therapy: Unveiling the Myths and Embracing the Realities

Ever heard someone say, “If you’re going to couples therapy, your relationship is doomed?” How about, “Couples therapy is just a place to argue in front of a referee?” Let’s face it, couples therapy is often shrouded in myths and misconceptions. In this article, I want to clear the air and shed light on what couples therapy is really all about.

Myth 1: Couples Therapy Means Your Relationship is Failing

Contrary to popular belief, couples therapy isn’t a last-ditch effort to save a crumbling relationship. Think of it more like routine maintenance for your car. You don’t wait for the engine to fail before getting an oil change, right? Similarly, couples therapy can be a proactive space to enhance communication, deepen emotional bonds, or simply maintain a healthy relationship.

Myth 2: It’s All About Pointing Fingers

In a well-facilitated session, blame and finger-pointing are replaced with constructive conversation. The therapist’s role is not to take sides but to guide both partners in understanding each other’s feelings and viewpoints. This is a far cry from the “blame game” many people expect.

Myth 3: The Therapist Will Solve Your Problems

Expecting a quick fix is setting yourself up for disappointment. The therapist serves as a facilitator for change, but the real work is done by both partners outside the therapy room. Just like in physical therapy, where most of the recovery is done at home with the exercises learned with the therapist, substantial follow through will be required to see progress

The Reality: What Actually Happens in Couples Therapy?

So, what can you expect? Activities in couples therapy may range from open conversations guided by the therapist to specific exercises designed to improve communication or build trust. You might even delve into role-playing scenarios to explore how you both react in different situations.

Advantages Over Traditional Talk Therapy

Now, you may be wondering why opt for couples therapy over individual therapy when dealing with relationship issues. Just like art therapy engages different senses and provides an alternative to traditional talk therapy, couples therapy offers the unique benefit of addressing both parties in real-time. This facilitates immediate feedback and offers opportunities for guided conflict resolution.

Here are some takeaways you can expect:

1. Improved Communication: You’ll learn how to listen and speak more effectively to and with your partner.

2. Conflict Resolution: Gain tools for settling disputes in a more constructive manner.

3. Increased Emotional Support: Understand how to offer and receive emotional support effectively.

4. Enhanced Intimacy: Emotional and sometimes physical intimacy can grow when both partners understand each other better.

If you and your partner are looking to enrich your relationship, clear up misunderstandings, or prepare for a new life stage, couples therapy can be a useful tool. It’s about growing together and, sometimes, growing individually, but in ways that benefit your life as partners.

Check out my books on Amazon!

Coping Skills for Kids

Mandala Coloring Book

Helping Your Child Cope: 5 Strategies for Big Emotions

Photo by Fabian Centeno on Unsplash

As children grow and navigate life’s challenges, they need tools and strategies for coping with difficult emotions and situations. Teaching coping skills can help children build resilience, reduce stress, and manage their feelings in healthy ways. Here are five coping skills you can teach your child today:

1. Deep Breathing. Deep breathing is a simple yet effective way to calm the mind and body. Encourage your child to take slow, deep breaths through their nose and exhale slowly through their mouth. You can also have them place their hand on their stomach to feel the rise and fall of their breath. To make it fun, consider using bubbles or having them pretend to smell pizza or freshly baked cookies. This technique can help your child feel more centered and relaxed.

2. Grounding. Grounding using senses is another technique that can help your child feel more present and connected to their surroundings. For example, ask your child to name five things they can see, four things they can hear, three things they can touch, two things they can smell, and one thing they can taste. This exercise can help bring your child’s attention to the present moment and distract them from their worries.

3. Guided Imagery. Using the power of imagination, guided imagery is a technique that can help children achieve a state of calm and relaxation. By visualizing peaceful scenes like a tranquil beach or a serene forest, children can immerse themselves in the experience, engaging all their senses. This technique is beneficial for promoting mindfulness in young children, who often have vivid imaginations. By asking them to imagine their own peaceful place, parents and caregivers can help children develop a sense of inner calm and reduce anxiety.

4. Journaling. Journaling is an excellent way for your child to express their feelings and work through their emotions. Encourage your child to write about their thoughts and feelings and validate their experiences by listening and responding empathetically. Journaling can help your child gain insight into their emotions and feel more in control of their feelings. If they are too young to express their feelings through writing or aren’t interested, suggest they draw a picture, paint, or listen to music instead. Check out one of my journaling notebooks on Amazon here

Photo by Ashlyn Ciara on Unsplash

5. Progressive Muscle Relaxation. Progressive muscle relaxation involves focusing on tensing the muscles for a few seconds and then releasing the tension while focusing on the feeling of relaxation. To play the “squeeze-relax game,” give your child a soft ball or Play-Doh to squeeze as hard as they can, and then relax their hand, reminding them to focus on the feeling of their muscles relaxing.

Teaching coping skills is integral to helping your child build resilience and manage their emotions. A therapist can work with your child to identify their emotional needs and teach them specific coping strategies to help them manage complicated feelings and situations. By working with a therapist, your child can gain valuable tools and techniques that will improve their overall well-being and that they can use throughout their lives.

Taking your child to therapy? Here are 3 tips to help

If you’re like most parents, you want what’s best for your child. And if your child is struggling with mental health issues, therapy may be the best solution. But it can be tough to know what to expect when taking your child to therapy for the first time. Here are three tips to help make the process easier for both of you!

1. Choose wisely when deciding between in-person and telehealth

I typically do not recommend telehealth for children under 13. I understand that telehealth helps to cut down on travel time, especially with a rigid work schedule, but I often find that young children have a hard time keeping their attention in the session, and the therapist has less tools at their disposal to keep that attention. Although telehealth is still an effective medium for therapy, it presents unique challenges for children that dampens its usefulness depending on the age of the client.

2. Try to get your child to “buy in” to therapy before bringing them

I often get young clients (especially teens) who say they don’t know why they are coming to see me, and they don’t want to be there. I think this is due to the parents assuming that the therapist can convince them to buy in to therapy. I have no problem being patient with clients and giving them time to get used to therapy, but that time equates to more money spent. For some parents, that extra money spent on rapport building sessions might not be a problem for them, however; parent on a tighter budget might want to make sure their child is ready before starting therapy.

3. Don’t schedule therapy during their “fun” time

Few things get therapy off on the wrong foot more than pulling your kid away from their video game to go to a session. Their attitude will already be negative and rapport building will be more difficult. Instead, you could time it to be right after their preferred activity or just after a chore so that they see therapy as preferential to what they were previously doing. After all, a kid saying “I’m not that excited about therapy, but at least it isn’t cleaning the yard,” is much better than “I’d rather be playing Fortnite right now, I hate this.” You can also give little rewards to reinforce therapy as a positive activity for them. To adults, the benefits of therapy reside in the therapy itself, while kids may need some extrinsic motivation. Think of it as if you are trying to get your child to eat vegetables.

I am glad that more parents are getting their children into therapy. However, I often see these mistakes that hinder the effectiveness of therapy. Hopefully these tips will help you maximize the effectiveness of therapy for your children! Finally, if you have children in therapy and they like to color, this coloring book is specifically made to encourage mindfulness in children.

How to Make Your Deep Breathing Techniques More Effective

Deep breathing exercises are a great way to relax and de-stress, but sometimes they can be a little bit tricky to get the hang of. In this blog post, I will discuss some tips that will help you make your deep breathing techniques more effective!

1. Breathe into your belly, not your chest.

The most common mistake I see people make when doing breathing exercises is that they aren’t breathing deep enough. A quick way to see if you are breathing deep enough is to pay attention to what part of your body fills with air as you breathe in. If your chest and shoulders rise, that isn’t deep enough. You should see your belly rise and fall while doing deep breathing exercises. When I practice deep breathing, I place one hand on my chest and one hand on my belly and I challenge myself to only make the hand on my belly move. Providing the extra focus on which hand to move also helps to concentrate on the breathing itself. Win-win!

2. Try to focus on your breath

You really shouldn’t be trying to figure out what to make for dinner tonight while you practice deep breathing. The physical act of breathing is only half of the process. The other half involves mindfulness. Mindful breathing means you are focusing your thoughts on the here and now. In that moment if you are doing deep breathing, your thoughts should be immersed in the process. You can recite mantras or affirmations to yourself, or coaching yourself to breathe “In, and out.” Counting along is another way to keep your mind focused. I like to breathe in to a count of 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, and hold again for 4. This is also called square or box breathing.

3. Practice when you are already calm.

When working with kids, I find that parents often make the mistake of only bringing up deep breathing when the kid is already upset. This is a mistake because a child will most likely refuse to do something they aren’t familiar with when they are upset. Instead, integrate the practice of deep breathing into an already established routine that is already calm. That way, deep breathing will be associated with the feeling of being calm. Bedtime routines are a perfect time to implement some deep breathing techniques. The idea is to get them accustomed to it to a point where they can do it without thinking. That will increase the likelihood that they actually use the techniques when they get upset.

Thank you for joining me for these quick tips on how to improve your deep breathing techniques. Used properly, deep breathing can be a helpful tool in increasing your mindfulness and relaxation.

Stay tuned for more mindfulness and mental health content!

3 Common Mistakes to Avoid When Starting Couples Therapy

Couples therapy can be a powerful tool to help partners improve their relationship. However, it’s important to approach therapy with the right mindset to avoid common mistakes that can slow or completely prevent progress. In this blog, I will explore three common mistakes when starting couples therapy. By avoiding these pitfalls, couples can maximize the benefits of therapy and create lasting change in their relationship.

1. Waiting until it’s too late

The most common mistake I see when a new couple comes in is that they have waited too long before deciding to seek therapy. In other words, one or both people in the relationship are mentally checked out, with one foot already out the door. The way this often plays out as follows: The woman suggests going to couples therapy. The man refuses, saying it isn’t needed. The relationship struggles for numerous months or even years. Then, the man finally agrees to attend therapy. Now that they are in therapy, the woman feels resentment that it took so long to even start. This isn’t an unrecoverable situation, but it definitely sets things off on the wrong foot. To avoid this problem, take your partner seriously if they suggest going to couples therapy.

2. Assuming that we are there to “work on the other person”

The therapist’s job is to be as objective as possible when looking at the relationship. If you are counting on the therapist to fix your partner, you will be disappointed. In almost ALL situations, there will be improvements to be made by everyone involved. Don’t go into therapy and be surprised when the attention gets turned onto what you can improve as well. For best results, both partners should come in prepared to work on themselves and the relationship as equals.

Don’t point fingers in therapy!

3. Putting your best foot forward

This may seem like an odd thing to bring up in a list about mistakes, but therapy is a place to be your authentic self, not manage your outward appearance. If you constantly argue and fight at home, but in therapy you are on your best behavior, then you will not be able to improve on what happens at home. My rule of thumb is I try to work on what I can see in front of me, and everything else is hearsay. One partner will often tell me that the other partner is so different at home, and they wish we could work on those behaviors, but I have to tell them that I can’t address a specific behavior unless I see it happen. Until then, I can only give general information on what to typically do in that situation.

Couples therapy is not an easy thing to do, but by avoiding these pitfalls, you can maximize your chances of success. If considering therapy, make sure you go before it’s too late, go in with an open mind to work on the relationship as equals, and present your authentic self for best results. For more information on marriage and relationships, check out this book by Dr John Gottman, one of the country’s leading marriage experts. Now go out there and have great sessions!

How to Use Art Therapy for Mindfulness

Photo by Elena Mozhvilo on Unsplash

Do you ever find yourself reacting irrationally to unexpected events? Are you stressed because you acted without thinking and now you are in even more trouble? That could be from a lack of mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment and paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings without judgment. It is about being aware of your thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them. Mindfulness can help you to feel less overwhelmed by your thoughts and emotions, and to better manage stress. It is a way of training your thinking so that you can bring your full awareness to whatever you are doing in the present moment. Mindfulness can be promoted by many different activities, but the one I want to focus on today is art therapy.

Art therapy uses art as a means of communication. It can be used to help people express themselves, work through emotions, and improve their mental health. Art therapy can be used with people of all ages, from children to adults. It is often used with people who are experiencing depression or anxiety, or people who just want to enjoy the relaxation it provides.

Art therapy’s benefits over traditional talk therapy are numerous. Firstly, talk therapy can often be focused on past events. Doing an art therapy activity forces the person to experience sensation in the here and now. Art therapy incorporates more of our senses, specifically the sense of sight. Our sense of touch is also stimulated by the sensation of moving the pencil or charcoal across the page. Dipping a paintbrush into water and brushing it along a piece of paper provides a tactile response that traditional talk therapy cannot replicate. In addition to stimulating the senses, the repetitive movement of pencil or brush strokes can provide a zen-like sensation that will aid in relaxation.

The following are good art therapy activities:

1. Drawing or painting a picture of your current emotions

Expressing emotion through art can often offer more insight than talking about it

2. Painting a picture of a happy memory

Reminiscing on good times can be a stress-relieving activity

3. Sculpting a figure that represents your stressors

The physical sensation of molding clay can help to bring attention to the body

4. Creating a collage of images that make you feel calm and peaceful

Finding the right pictures keeps your thoughts on the here and now

5. Coloring in a zentangle or mandala coloring book

coloring can put the mind into a zen-like, meditative state

(I published a coloring book on Amazon if you want to start using art therapy right away)

Art therapy is a beneficial activity for mindfulness because it allows us to focus on the present moment. It can be used to express emotions, work through stressors, and relax the mind. Mindfulness is a way of training our thinking so that we can bring our full attention to whatever we are doing in the present moment. If you are looking for a way to increase your mindfulness, art therapy may be a good option for you.

5 Ways Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Can Help With Depression

Depression can be a debilitating condition that impacts every area of your life. It can leave you feeling fatigued, sad, hopeless, and uninspired. If you are struggling with depression, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may be able to help. CBT is a type of therapy that focuses on changing the way you think and behave. It has been shown to be an effective treatment for depression. In this post, I will discuss 5 ways that CBT can help with depression.

If you are struggling with depression, CBT can help you:

- Understand your thoughts and emotions

- Identify negative thinking patterns

- Challenge negative beliefs

- Develop coping skills

- Improve your mood

Most people go through life without being aware of the thoughts going through their heads. This can be problematic because left unchecked, our brains can go down all sorts of unhelpful rabbit holes. Our brains are hardwired to focus on negative things in our environment, so if we are on auto-pilot, we will most likely negatively impact our mental health. CBT helps us to understand our lives by showing how our thoughts and emotions can impact our mood and behavior. For example, if you are feeling down, CBT can help you to understand thoughts such as “I am a failure,” or “Nothing can help me in this situation.” Can contribute to feelings of depression. Once you understand that your thoughts aren’t helping the situation, you can work to change your thoughts.

Negative thinking patterns are a common occurrence in people with depression. CBT can help you to identify these patterns and work to change them. For example, if you tend to catastrophize, CBT can help you to understand that your thoughts may not be accurate. Catastrophizing is when we take one negative event and blow it out of proportion, making it into the biggest “catastrophe” there is. Catastrophizing is an example of a negative thinking pattern that can derail our interpersonal relationships and contribute to depression.

Once a negative thinking pattern is identified, we can begin to challenge those beliefs. We can ask ourselves questions to bring more rationality to our thoughts. “Am I REALLY a failure?” or “Do I REALLY deserve this treatment?” With a calmer mind, we can approach these questions with impartiality and conclude that our interpretation may not be as correct as we thought.

One of the ways to stop negative thinking patterns before they take hold is to develop coping skills. CBT can help you to develop coping skills such as deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation. These skills can help to reduce the impact of stress on your life and improve your mood.

Similar to anxiety, depression can be a very difficult challenge to go through. However, the skills learned through CBT could help mitigate the symptoms by helping you to understand your thoughts and emotions, identify negative thinking patterns, challenge negative beliefs, and develop coping skills to improve your mood. If you think CBT can help with your symptoms, make sure to ask your therapist about using this approach.